flowers make everything OK!

I bought myself a bunch of flowers! Its not unusual for us to have flowers 'just because'. We both love flowers, and love having them around the house.
I've been sick. I've been so tired. Exhausted tired. And I've been giving myself hard time, about silly things. Its like there are two of me. One berates and throws the guilt on. The other tries to defend itself and love itself. Unfortunately, this past week, the nasty me has been over powering the other me :(
I've been trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. Its called a comfort zone for a reason. My comfort zone is so warm. and fluffy. and its pink. I digress.
Its been a personal goal of mine, to really try to push the boundaries that I have put on my life, and to banish any self imposed labels. I want to be less introverted. less shy. And put myself 'out there' a bit more.....but I want to do these things while remaining true to my self- I AM shy, quiet and rather introverted. They aren't bad things. And they are part of who I am.
Derby. Derby was one of the things I wanted to do. I wanted to have the confidence to try it. I wanted the skill to succeed at it. And I wanted to meet some new people. So I did it (YAY me!!!) I did tag a long with a friend, and I was scared as hell. So Scared. It took 2 training sessions and I became a 'star one' Still scared. It was good. At the end of my first star one session we had to line up and take it in turns, to skate out to the middle of the rink, and say "my name is Marissa, and I can...." Having to skate into the middle of the rink, and stop (without a wall) was scary enough. Introducing myself- the thought had me petrified. It was my turn. I couldn't work out what was scarier- not doing it- and having 30 or so skaters looking at me, wondering what the hell was wrong with me OR doing it and falling over. or not being able to stop. I did it. My name is Marissa and I can do a one knee slide.
When Scarlet went for her first skating lesson at the end of the lesson the teacher called them out, 1 by 1, to show the rest of the class what they had learnt. Scarlet was one of the biggest kids there, but the newest. Other kids flew by to show how fast they could skate. Scarlet turned and looked at me, turned back around and nervously (and rather unsteadily) marched, fell over, got up, and continued marching. When she finished she turned around and looked at me with the biggest smile on her face. I was so incredibly proud. She was so happy.
I berated myself the whole way home for my 'one knee slide', and I haven't been back to Derby since. But when it was Scarlet my heart swelled with pride and love.

Why are we hard so on ourselves?

So, I have a new idea. Forget about trying to change. How about just learning to love who I am. ha sounds so cliche...

And I thoroughly recommend buying yourself a bunch of flowers. I've put mine on our dining table. And every time I walk past them I feel good. They are just lovely...



m.xx